Feel No Pain?
by 1292 Negative Calculate
Summary: A short gag on the 40k tabletop rule "Feel No Pain".  I'm kinda surprised nobody's made something for this already, truthfully.  stars a Plague Marine and an Ultramarine squad.


**Feel No Pain?  
>By: Danny Pic<strong>

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><p>Hello there!<p>

Ok, so here's the backstory behind this. I've been watching some Battle Reports (Chaos Marines, naturally) on Youtube, from Miniwargaming and other places like that. One of the reoccurring "rules" I found during battles with Space Marines (Chaos and Loyalist) is the rule "Feel No Pain", which apparently means that a warrior can substain damage, and still have the potential to fight. Basically, it acts like an extra roll to see if the unit dies, so the unit is a bit tougher to take down.

So I got to thinking about what the mechanics of Feel No Pain would do realistically. Basically, it means that a warrior can undergo an extremely damaging attack, yet not feel anything from it, and thus continue fighting like normal.

And thus…this scene was born in my head.

Again, I must stress, **I OWN NUTHIN! **(Well, aside from the characters I create, and the places that I make up.) **  
>Now…<strong>enjoy the madness! 8D

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><p>The Captain continued to fight the heretic; out of an entire group of twenty or so Chaos Space Marines, the loyal Ultramarines had slain nineteen of the group. The last Chaos Marine left – a servant of Nurgle, the Lord of Decay – had proposed to fight an honorable duel with the Loyalist Marine Captain, to the death.<p>

The duel between the two had lasted for almost an hour by now, and not because they were going easy on each other. The Ultramarine Captain fought with all the might given to him so that he might serve the God-emperor's will, and he fought with the ferocity that his chapter was known for. At the same time, however, at the same time, the Plague Marine had fought to disarm the adversary, and wear him down to finish him off. Neither side was willing to give up. Every time the servant of Nurgle charged, the Captain managed to either break his stance or dodge the attack. And likewise, whenever the Captain attempted to attempt a strike, the Plague Marine blocked his blows or countered with one of his own.

"The Emperor's will is divine, foul one," the Captain proclaimed. "Surrender to his will, and I will make your death quick and painless!"

The Plague Marine laughed at this. "You cannot give the fear of death to someone who no longer fears it! Great and Glorious Nurgle has delivered me from this fear, while your Emperor just sits and rots in his chair!"

"YOU DIE, TRAITOR!"

And at that, the Ultramarine leader swiped his chainsword down, and removed the right arm of his rot-infested foe. Both men paused after the attack, as if registering what had just been done. The Captain then spoke, "Now, stand down, vile beast."

The Plague Marine simply shrugged, and proudly proclaimed, "Ha! 'Tis nothing more than a scratch!"

One of the Ultramarines watching interrupted. "What? Excuse me for interrupting, but…did you just say that was a scratch? A_ scratch?_"

"Yes," the Chaos traitor slowly replied, "…why?"

"Your bloody arm's off!"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Look at the bloody lump to your left, idiot," the Captain said blatantly.  
>The Plague marine did so, and stared for a second before replying, "Huh…yeah, guess that <em>is<em> my arm…"

"Aaaaand?" said the Captain, waiting for a response.

The traitor paused for a moment in thought, before replying, "…meh, I've had worse."

"You lie!"

"Bah, whatever! Come at me, loyalist scum!" And with that, the Plague Marine charged the Captain, and the fight resumed.

Again, chainswords clashed as the two marines resumed their duel; the Chaos Marine, while his dominant arm had been severed, Was still able to fight basically with his left hand. The fight didn't last long, however, as the Captain took advantage of this apparent weakness, and slashed off the other arm. As the bloody limb fell to the ground, the Captain proclaimed his victory, and began to give a prayer to the Emperor in thanks. His praying was interrupted, however, as he felt a metal boot collide with his side, pushing him over. He looked up to see the Plague Marine he had been fighting, kicking his sides, and ushering him to fight.

"_Seriously_?" the Captain asked in desperation. "You're _still_ going at it?"

"Of course I am," the Chaos Marine replied. "Now come on! Fight me!"

The Ultramarine leader stood up, dusted off his Power Armor, and answered, "For a Chaos traitor, you have indeed fought bravely, but the fight is _mine_! Now stand down!"

The Plague Marine danced around his adversary, taunting, "Aw…has the big bad Ultramarine had enough?"

The Captain groaned, frustrated at this childish reaction from his foe. "Look, you stupid bastard! _Your arms are gone!_ Don't you get that?"

"No they're not!"

"LOOK AT THE GROUND!"

"…I see 'em. They're still there; it's just a flesh wound!" The Ultramarines groaned collectively at this remark.

The Captain tried to turn and face his enemy, who was dancing around him at the moment, and said, "Look, stop it now. You're literally disarmed, and you have no other methods to attack me! Now just sto – STOP KICKING ME!"

"Chicken! Bawk bawk Baaaawk! Chickeeen!"

"Alright, that does it!"

And then the Captain sliced off the Plague Marine's leg as he was about to kick the Loyalist again. The traitor hopped around on one foot after this; it took a few seconds to register his missing leg, but when he did, he began to get frustrated. "Alright, that's it! I'll get you back for that!"

The Captain scoffed at this. "Really? And how do you intend to do that? What, are you going to _bleed_ on me?"

"I'M INVINCIBLE!" said the Plague Marine, now ramming his body into the Captain.

"More like a total loon, that is."

"I feel no pain, fool! I AM INDESTRUCTIBLE!"

And at that, the Plague Marine's last leg was severed by the Captain's chainsword. As the Plague Marine lay on the ground, all his limbs reduced to bloody stumps, the Captain stood over him, and sheathed his chainsword. The traitor looked up at the one who had beaten him, and weakly proposed, "…okay, so…call it a draw, then?"

The Ultramarine Captain, a look of disgust on his face, turned around and announced to his men, "Alright, we're done here. Let us return to the Chapter Master, and get some rest, men." And with that, the Ultramarines began to leave, listening to the Plague Marines angry, rage-filled comments fill the air.

"Oh, I see! Running away? YOU COWARDS, COME BACK HERE AND TAKE WHAT'S COMING TO YA! I'LL BITE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR LEGS OFF, YOU TWITS!"

"…"

"…*sigh* ugh…_twit_? C'mon, I could've come up with something better than _that_, right? Man…"

…

End

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><p>AN: So how'd I do?

Y'know, having just done this Warhammer 40k/Monty Python parody, I just now thought of something. I'm surprised that nobody has tried making a parody fic of the Imperial Inquisition yet.

After all, _nobody_ expects the Imperial Inquisition, right?

So yeah…review, rate, tell me what ya think. Have fun, hope you enjoyed.


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